Alcoholism & The Darkness

Well these last few days I’ve been pretty careless with my drinking. I think that I let my drinking habits from the partying in Santorini continue and haven’t since taken some time to re-assess them. This last week I drank a lot Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. I noticed that I was drinking a lot more than anyone else in the groups I was in, which definitely isn’t something to be proud of at my age.

I’m not really sure why this is. Maybe for comfort, maybe because I’ve allowed my regimen to break down a bit, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have anything in my life that means more to me than the comfort of being drunk right now. I’ve started to re-schedule lifting and work to fit my drinking, which is a dangerous sign. I’ve wrote this in my journals so many times but really regimen is my saving grace. The regimen of my daily schedule is ultimately what saves my life from spiralling into a black hole of nihilism and depression. When I give up on the regimen I end up eating, sleeping, drinking & chasing after sexual gratification all day.

I probably slept half of the day yesterday (on a Monday) and I ate an exorbitant amount of calories. Does a part of me crave that? Yes, absolutely there’s an insatiable part of me that loves eating high calorie foods and sleeping all day. There’s a part of me that barely wants to be awake during the day, a part of me that wants to eat and drink myself into recurring comatose states and sleep away most of my day. Is that some kind of deep-seeded desire for self annihilation? Maybe… There seems to be a part of me that wants my life to be over already. I feel like I’ve experienced and done what I wanted to do and I’m happy with it already, I’m at peace with no longer being here. As an example, during what must’ve been heat stroke on my last bike ride through Greece, I was in horrible physical shape, and it crossed my mind that I might die out there. Honestly, I felt okay with it – if I were in a less delirious state perhaps I wouldn’t react that way, I don’t know.

I feel obligated now to say something to redeem my last paragraph. To say that is only a part of me and that I love life and I’m clinging onto my existence with all my might, but that doesn’t feel genuine. I do enjoy life, and I’m incredibly lucky to be in the situation that I’m in, a situation I would’ve done almost anything for just 2 years ago. I’m happy for it, but I don’t feel this deep desire to live forever. Maybe if I experience a real near death experience that will change, but I don’t know…

Since I have no interest in suicide I should live life as best as I can. My perception of “how to best live life” will likely change as time goes on, but below are some thoughts on what’s best for me.

The best way for me to live my life is in pursuit of what brings me the most long-term joy. Longterm joy correlating with the following

  • Having a purpose / deep seeded reason for the career I’m in
  • Physical exercise
  • Mostly eating healthy
  • Exploring the world
  • Having time for introspection
  • Spending time & energy on those who make me feel better

Once again it feels like I have to add additional notes to the items above. To let people know that my mom and sister are part of the group of people I like spending time with. To add some sort of bullshit about how I want to serve others, and put them in front of me, so I don’t look like such a self-centered jerk. There’s this deep desire for me to censor and dull-down my thoughts for a crowd of people who are likely never even going to read this. For your knowledge, I didn’t censor this list.

In conclusion – If my desires are left to their own devices I will always end up in the same place, a feeling of complete helplessness. Regimen is what keeps me doing the list of things that bring me longterm joy, and saves me from being swallowed alive by that darkness.

If you took the time to read all of this, I assume it brought you some kind of value and I’m happy for that. I may continue writing these thoughts on my website from time to time.

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