A photo I took on my hike back to Chiang Mai from the silent retreat, man, everything was so beautiful after 4 days of silence and solitude
Over the last month, I’ve realized how much time I spend on YouTube (and to a lesser extent Netflix)
It’s not necessarily the amount of time I spend on YouTube, it’s that I don’t feel like I have another choice
It’s a compulsion – it’s not something that I want to do, it’s become something that I need to do.
And oftentimes it becomes the only thing I want to do, even impeding on work
I’m beginning to forget what I learned in the silent retreat
It’s been about 8 months since my silent retreat
After that silent retreat, I had some goals on how I wanted to live
A big intention was to make conscious decisions on how I want to spend my time
Not allowing compulsions to run my life
I knew YouTube was one of these compulsions
Once I started watching YouTube videos, it was unlikely I’d be doing anything else that day
It took me completely out of the moment
It was a means for comfort, respite, and removal from the world
It disconnected me from the world around and the people in it
The best (or worst) part about YouTube is how easy it is to justify
I have learned about everything from the history of Rastafarianism to AI trends in marketing on Youtube
I have 100% gotten value from YouTube
For that reason, it’s easy to justify
Yes I spend a lot of time on YouTube, but I’m usually learning
I’ve heard this from other Youtubers as well
Glancing at my girlfriend scrolling through TikTok, there’s a sense of superiority
Yes I’m also glued to my phone, but least I’m not wasting my time
For this reason, it’s a bit harder to give it up
Photo of me working in the Blue Mountains, Jamaica – check out the guide here I learned a ton about Jamaican history & culture via YouTube
YouTube Can Be An Incredible Tool
On a good day yes, YouTube is used to learn something
But on many days, it feels like an opium den calling me
While I’m working
When I’m out doing things
I can feel the urge
The urge to return to the plush heaven of a soft bed and YouTube videos
What a marvelous thing to lie around with an endless library of entertainment
I do quite a bit of cycling as well, so there’s usually a good pretext there
I’m exhausted from cycling, going to recoup for an hour or two
That hour or two turns into 4 – 6 hours of viewing videos on Youtube
Binging like that on YouTube eventually leads to gossipy, less educational videos
The pleasure of learning gets depleted, and the only content that intrigues me revolves around anger, fear or gossip
Fortunately, I don’t allow myself to get caught up in political videos – that s*** is the methamphetamine of online content
It can captivate you so easily
Turning a mundane Tuesday afternoon into a call to action to fight for revolution, social change, etc.
And that’s the crux with Youtube in general
Escape from the mundane
From the daily reality of life
But it slowly eclipses more than that
When thinking about going out and exploring a city Youtube is always in the back of my mind
Yes, I could go out and check that out. But is it going to be more fun than lounging around watching Youtube videos?
And more often than not, I conclude that Youtube would indeed be better
The entertainment value, production, and diversity of content is unmatched
There is an argument to make that Youtube is more entertaining than many other activities
Particularly for someone like myself
Someone who felt that an average day was never enough
But YouTube is a simulation of living
It’s the difference between watching p*** or making love to someone you’re deeply connected to
Instead of going out and creating a day I’m excited about, I sit and watch others living exciting lives
While I’m watching stories about others, I’m not writing my own
feeling that an average day was never enough
While initially it seems that YouTube is an escape from the monotony of life
Recently, I’ve wondered if it plays into something much bigger
This is something I’ve only just begun to consider last night
But I think a part of my withdrawing from life is a way for me to deal with my mortality
Like my desire to withdraw from life also gives me “power” of my mortality
That instead of being concerned about dying someday and everything going black
I get to withdraw from life voluntarily
I don’t want to get too involved in life
That would mean I’d have to deal with a higher anxiety toward death
But if I sit alone, withdrawn, with my brain and soul running at 25% capacity
Then I don’t have to be concerned about death
Because I’m creating a life that I’m not afraid to lose
I’m withdrawing from life of my own accord
“I never really enjoyed life that much anyway, so who cares if I die?”
Maybe YouTube offers me a vehicle to play this voluntary withdrawal out?
Dopamine depletion & youtube
After watching hours of Youtube videos I don’t have any motivation to do anything
It feels like I have sucked out every last drop of dopamine from my brain, consuming YT content
Even small tasks like walking a block to get a drink feels like a monumental task
Overwhelming in its scope and demand
I definitely go through highs and lows naturally
But I’ve noticed that YouTube can really exacerbate these
Larry Vs. Go Mode
I’ve been aware for a long time that there are two elements within me
- One that wants to seize life, to grab it by the expletive and extract every ounce of vitality I can. I’ll refer to this aspect of me as “go-mode”
- The other, who wants nothing more than to lie in bed, surrounded by cushioned pillows all day, not lifting a finger, sedated in the opium of extreme emotional and physical comfort. I’ve even given this element of my personality a name, Larry.
I’ve looked for a way to overcome this dichotomy
To correct myself
I do believe I (and people generally) can change, but this one is pretty well baked in
Furthermore, it’s gotten me quite far in life
For most of my twenties, I could suppress Larry; it definitely got the best of me when living in Vietnam but for the most part I kept it underwraps.
Most days of the week, I would be in “go mode”
Usually with one or two jobs while going to University / Post graduate classes
I got a master’s degree and created my own business pretty much on my own
I recall before my first trip to Paris
I was working, going to school, and hitting the gym in the evenings
Then I’d return home at 8 – 9 pm, reading through English and French lyrics to Carla Bruni songs to learn French
I had so much vitality back then
I would dive recklessly into whatever new goal I had ahead of me
I’m happy I’m more centered now that I’m old as f***
Sorry 34
But I’d be lying if I missed that aspect of me
That I miss being in go-mode most of the time
Sure, when I wasn’t in go-mode, I would binge-eat and drink alone, wallowing in self-pity
But dammit, the highs were great!
Since my thirties, it feels as though my life is ruled far more by Larry than the “go-mode”
I’ve sat in men’s circles with clinically type A personalities, agreeing how I also can’t get enough of success, of adrenaline, etc.
However, the reality is that I’m not really like that anymore
My near-death experience cycling from Athens to Istanbul really began to erode the dominance of my “go-mode”
I don’t feel completely enveloped by my goals anymore
The less captivated I feel by my goals, the louder Larry’s voice becomes
Larry has an answer for whatever ails me
And it’s always appealing
“Just relax for today, you deserve it.”
While this used to mean high-calorie food, alcohol and/or sex
I made a semi-conscious decision a couple of years ago
To shift from eating, drinking and sexing to YouTube / Netflix for comfort
And of all the addictions/compulsions to have Youtube is a pretty good one
Freefallin’, when you’re shook from the pack
Atmosphere – Freefallin’
Keep walking, lift a foot, leave a track
We often gotta look for the path
These problems are the good ones to have
Photo of the rapper Atmosphere 📸 – Offbeat Magazine
While YouTube is certainly better than the alternatives, as it stands now, it’s not serving me anymore
With advanced algorithms and an infinite library of content, YouTube can ensnare me for hours
Keeping me from getting out and experiencing life
From feeling connected to Gisel
From exploring these incredible places, we visit all around the world
From working toward my destiny
I could delete YouTube
I could revert to a 90’s mobile phone without applications
I could even live in a log cabin, cut off from modern technology
But Larry’s coming with me